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Friday, March 03, 2006

The Ten Greatest Television and Movie Germans

10. Sigmund Freud – Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

“What is a geek?”

When Socrates calls you a geek, you know you are one.

9. Kroenen – Hellboy


He wasn’t just a Nazi killing machine, he was a mechanical, clockwork Nazi killing machine made out of sand and sprockets held together with Occult magic. In the ridiculous opening scene of Hellboy, this guy shoots about a dozen American soldiers square between the eyes with a luger, one of the most inaccurate sidearms ever created.

8. Oglethorpe – ATHF

“What do you know of fire? You prance around like you have laser eyes. You don't!”

Yes, he’s an alien. But he’s an alien with a German accent. His pointy body and scemes to destroy the Earth and steal free cable could only come from the mind of the vicious Hun.

7. Col. Wilheml Klink


Nothing in high school was more traumatic than watching the actor who played Col. Klink, Werner Klempere,r play different Nazi in the in the not-so-zany historical drama “Judgment at Nuremburg.” Why? Because they hanged poor Col. Klink! Didn’t they know that Stalag 13 was the happiest, most carefree prison camp in the whole of the third Reich? Klink was a push over, and he probably didn’t even like Hitler.

6. The Hessian Horseman – Sleepy Hollow


Burton missed a great opportunity by not giving Christopher Walken any lines other than “Graah!” to deliver with what can safely be assumed would have been the greatest German accent ever.

5. Dolph Lundgren – Anything

He is not human, he is a piece of iron!”

I don’t care if he’s Swedish, he’s been a German in every film he’s ever made, even in ones that require him to be American or Russian.

4. German motorist – Supertroopers

He was going vay too fast.

3-1. The Nihilists – The Big Lebowski.

First we have that third guy no one cares about, but his girlfriend gave her toe, so he counts. Second, Peter Stormare is the most Swedish man on the planet, but he’s such a fantastic actor he can play German flawlessly. And not only a German, but a German porn star named Karl Hungus. And then there is my number one movie German – Flea as Kieffer. Flea has 2 film cameos I can think of and the other is as a hippie licking acid off of Johnny Depp. Plus, he plays a mean trumpet. What a career this man has had!